My mother died before she could accept the award for WORST MOTHER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Thanks to her parenting skills, I refused to sleep without a nite-light until I was fourteen (expecting mothers: YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CHOICE OF WATCHING NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD OR CUJO) and the majority of my childhood was spent influenced by heroines of the sexual revolution and fictional man-hating feminist warriors (expecting mothers: YOU SHOULD NOT LET YOUR CHILD GROW UP WATCHING ANYTHING INVOLVING JANE FONDA OR BRIGITTE NELSON).
She didn't bat an eyelash when I announced I was Barbarella, intergalactic sex kitten extrodinaire (She-Ra was cool, and all, but Barbarella had SONGS IN IT THAT YOU COULD SING ALONG TO, OH MY GOD). And she certainly didn't seem upset when I rounded up neighbourhood kids to play RED SONJA. I learned from a very young age that men were inferior and to teach women a lesson they would 'violate her body' (whatever THAT meant) so you had to get back at them BY KILLING THEM WITH VERY LARGE SWORDS (pea poles were an excellent substitution).
My taste matured quickly once I became a full-time student. Red Sonja and Barbarella had a special place in my heart, but I needed to be intellectually challenged. So, as a kindergartener, I was introduced to AGNES OF GOD. And from THAT point I abandoned any hope or interest in becoming a forest ranger when I grew up, because, oh my God, BEING A NUN IS SO MUCH COOLER AND FUN(NER). The entire 'losing and refinding religion' theme was lost on me, the movie was all about ICE SKATING IN WINTER IN A BEAUTIFUL CONVENT.
'I WANT TO BE A NUN,' I announced after years of fantasising. My mother, with a knowing snort, promptly dismissed the idea. 'Every girl wants to be a nun at some point,' she explained, which wasn't exactly true since half of my friends wanted to be ballerinas and the other half wanted to be veterinarians. But I was DEAD SET on becoming a nun, even though we weren't really religious and we didn't attend church regularly. So I was forced to bide my time until I was old enough to take my holy vows and become a bride of Christ.
...then I discovered masturbation, began having sex, dabbled in witchcraft, found some of my female classmates 'cute', and decided I was better off being something else. Ironic, I guess, since I fulfilled all of the crucial requirements to be a medieval nun (I'm what happens when you're born a few hundred years too late and you have A VERY BAD MOTHER). I later compromised on career choices, so 'government assassin' was replaced with 'forensic pathologist'. The entire 'nun' fantasy is still nice, but so is having an orgasm - and IT isn't going to wake your ass up at an ungodly hour to pray, either.
I eventually ended up with this stint (i.e., writing professionally) allowing me to have characters who are NUNS, CONTRACT KILLERS, and FORENSIC PATHOLOGISTS. It's a decent trade-off, since I'm not really into praying, too lazy to even leave the house most days, and my interest level in other people is nil (have I ever mentioned that my 'emotional intelligence' is lower than that of most retarded people?).
All of this nun talk DOES have a purpose other than to amuse you ('DID YOU HEAR THAT THE CRACKWHORE BENWAY BUNNIES CHICK WANTED TO BE A NUN? WTF? LOL!')! It's all a long-winded introduction to a character that 90% of you are probably NOT familiar with - Prudence! You thought Magdalena was cute? Just wait until you get a load of Prudence! Besides, Magdalena has an evil streak that hasn't surfaced yet, but more on that later.
Her creation was to balance out the stereotypical personalities found in any group or clique in a fictional setting. The Kidnap Coalition already had the smart one (Mercy), the bitchy one (Solange), and the other member who was formally runner-up to the Miss USA title who writes down everything she eats in a little journal (Ursula (okay, fine, so she isn't totally worked out yet)). Prudence provided the necessary 'cute, nice, happy, and na�ve' to lessen the edge of everyone else's aggressive personalities.
She very briefly appeared in the old story Panty Stakeout, which ostensibly introduced the Kidnap Coalition to the world, but hasn't been seen since. There are a few reasons for her absence (and the overall absence of any character involved in the Coalition) in my work. Prudence is a bit of a slippery fish when it comes to portraying her personality. I want to emphasise 'SHE'S REALLY NA�VE', but if you underline that sentiment one too many times she comes across as being dense and stupid (which she isn't). It's a very delicate rope you've got walk when working with a character like her, and it becomes increasingly harder when you aren't entirely confident that you've got the 'sound' down right.
Mercy, Prudence, Solange, and Ursula currently exist in burnout territory thanks to an ill-advised brush with impromptu novel writing a few years back. I spent the better part of a year working on a book that I didn't bother planning and it was only after 75% was done I realised IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK. I'm NOW simultaneously HORRIFIED and AMUSED that I managed to write in the excess of 100,000 words before coming to that realisation. For years I was so embarrassed by the misfire that I refused to mention it or work with the characters that were involved.
Older and wiser now, I can only cringe at the shit I did when I was younger. Authors and writers always trip over one another with their feelings of self-importance when giving out advice to aspiring whatevers, but they never actually say anything useful. They never say NOT EVERYONE WAS BORN TO BE A WRITER or MAYBE THE REASON WHY IT'S BEEN REJECTED THREE HUNDRED TIMES IS BECAUSE IT'S SHIT or WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T FALL INTO THE EAGERNESS TRAP or DON'T WRITE A MOTHERFUCKING NOVEL WITHOUT HAVING EVERYTHING PLANNED IN ADVANCE, although after reading extensively all my life I suspect that most of writers aren't actually aware of the above.
Prudence is the first Kidnap Coalition member to come in out of the cold. After several angry/grumpy stories I was advised to do 'something different' and Mr. Whiskers was the result. R read it, laughed in the appropriate places, and then told me it had worked. Three cheers for Prudence, Mr. Whiskers, and me.
To be truthful, I'm sort've so-so with it. I felt her narrative wasn't STRONG enough, that she comes across a little too ditzy and out of touch for her own good (R might argue differently). Because it was such a narrative-driven story, I had an agonising time trying to END it, that all important 'and in conclusion...' paragraph refused to materialise. Regardless, it came out a little better than I expected - especially since this is my first attempt at writing something with her when I actually know what I'm trying to do and despite the fact that I had originally planned to work with someone else.
I'm excited with the prospect that Prudence might now be in rotation, and hopefully this is a not-too-subtle indication that the Kidnap Coalition ice age is officially over. I've wanted to work with Ursula for a while now, but I've been going back and forth on that desire. Prudence and Mercy have always been the strongest characters of the group, so there's a better chance you might see them in the near future. Mercy, at least, does have her own (old) story, and has had the chance to narrate a few others. Urs and Solange can't say the same, however, but I do plan on changing that...eventually.
To read Prudence's first story, Mr. Whiskers, click here! Or, of course, you can go the arduous route of chastity and guilt and locate the story in the Kidnap Coalition section of Fiction. You'll find Mr. Whiskers located under the 2005 header. I dare you to read it and NOT go 'awww!' once. SHE'S SO DAMN CUTE, how could Rocky have missed her? (She's a giant incubus checklist - nice, happy, virgin, and nun-to-be!)
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