If you've sent any sexually suggestive and/or sycophantic e-mail recently (just kidding!), you'll already be aware that A has drafted me to take care of some less glamorous work while she concentrates on other things.
Apparently "updating the site" falls into the former category, so I'm left to try and think of something to write about her latest story (On the House) while she spends her time hunting homeless people in a cruel and deadly game of survival that only society's elite (most likely played by Lance Henriksen) can afford or appreciate.
Actually, she's just in the other room exercising, but she gave me a sticker thing (that'll be a sticker, I suppose) that had a cute bunny-in-the-bath logo on it (awww!), so I suppose I owe her some sort of compensatory intellectual labor. Just so this paragraph has a round five asides, here's another: (.) (Bwahahahaha, it looks like half a boobs! Oh no - not only does that make six asides, but "a boobs" isn't even grammatically correct!)
Moving along, I will now make a fluid and subtle transition to discussing this week's story: THIS WEEK'S STORY IS CALLED ON THE HOUSE AND I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.
The story's narrator, Melanie, has gone through a significant amount of conceptual shifts in the last few years, none of which I'm at liberty to discuss. Suffice to say that what I see as the three main traits which round out the character and make her a believeable, three-dimensional literary creation remain: she smokes, she swears, and she gives good blowjobs. Yes, I'm aware that I'm selling things a little short here, but you can just read the stories that feature her if you want to get a better idea. I'm not your butler, and I also won't put my life on the line to make sure nobody has poisoned your Dr. Pepper, so stop asking!
Stylistically the story is the indirect result of several new psychological torture techniques I've innovated lately, including the now-infamous "MacPherson dilemma". Without getting into an even more tedious discussion of the elements of first and third person narratives, On the House represents a more deliberate attempt on A's part to have a character voice that's present in every sentence, as opposed to (recently more occasional) lapses into easily-written descriptive passages. Like all women (who never know what's best for them, ha ha!) she resisted at first, but inevitably folded under the weight of the many meaningless formal logic equations that I made up without regard to exactitude, legitimacy or usefulness and subjected her to daily. Similar to recent lessons learned by Cookie Monster, cruelty is a sometimes method!
Anyway, the end result is a step in the right direction. At this juncture (as any other) artistic platitudes are lame and should be punishable by drowning or a severe wiffle bat-beating, but I do feel I that A is constantly improving and moving in the least wrong direction available to someone who wants to get paid for choosing and arranging already-existing words. I'm qualified to make these judgements because I'm fairly certain I could beat up the remains of most of history's most celebrated literary icons, although we'll find out for sure when I head out on my upcoming "Exhumation and Devastation '88" tour. You're next, Voltaire!
To show your disdain for the Age of Enlightenment and read the story, click here. For those who wish to embark upon the long and circuitous route of evil, head over to the Benway Bunnies section of the Fiction area, one aisle after the murderous toy which can inexplicably father offspring department.
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