I might seem interesting; I might seem amusing. I might even seem to be the most enchanting and intriguing woman since Catherine the Great (horse and all). In truth I'm socially inept, and not in that supposedly 'cool' way people talk about being. I might not have a 666 birthmark hidden beneath my hair, but I have a temper that makes up for it and I'm not deluded enough to think otherwise.
You're here because you're considering contacting me - but please keep in mind that I'm not interested in making friends, I'm interested in making money and becoming the world's sexiest dictator. You may want to hear from me, but chances are I don't want to hear from you - especially if your question is one of the five answered below or one already addressed in my FAQ. I will never, ever, respond to anything listed below, so don't waste the time it takes you to write the e-mail and the time it takes me to delete it by asking.
Q: Will you submit to my non-paying publication?
A: No.
Q: Will you visit my personal/writing site?
A. No.
Q: Will you read my work?
A. No.
Q: You really bathe in the blood of virgins?
A. Yes. Like a lot of immoral things, it's good for the skin.
Q: Please explain (insert advice on writing)?
A. No.
I only respond well to flattery and people who feel a sense of obligation (for whatever reason) to feature me or my work as part of their publication or site. Please note, again, that I only allow the use of stories and other writing on a paid basis, but I'm otherwise willing to consider other promotional opportunities.
If all that doesn't dissuade you, fair enough. Keep in mind that my e-mail is filtered for me, so unless it's important or interesting I won't even see it.